Many of us in this generation have been born into dysfunctional family with rampant abuse & neglect, especially Lightworkers. I am one. We have the opportunity to achieve things in this lifetime, including stopping the cycle of abuse (often a multi-generational thing - our parents abused, their parents abused), healing ourselves, helping others heal, & creating our own loving families (our children, new relationships with birth family, finding our soul families). I perpetuated some of the abuse on my own children, primarily my daughter, unwittingly. I hadn't dealt with my own abuse, had blocked the memories. I didn't abuse her in most of the ways I was, her abuse wasn't severe as mine was. Still, it was damaging. I've largely reduced the damage by owning my behavior (only possible once I remembered & then dealt with my own abuse), telling her why I acted as I did (that it wasn't of her, she didn't cause it or deserve it), & apologizing from my heart for every way I abused her. I help her identify the abuse as abuse, validate her, & help her overcome her learned reactions as best I can. I am also now the unconditionally loving, giving, supportive parent I was at heart, free of the living effects of my own abuse. I have done all the work I can on healing myself, including seeking counseling, reading all I could to learn the effects & work them out, & using every healing modality presented to me at every opportunity. It's an ongoing process for me, even after 21 years of awareness, remembrance.
One of my life missions is to help others in this process. I use my past pain & experience to help & heal & encourage others. I teach ways of healing, forgiving, moving on. I teach new ways of living, acting, new attitudes. As most, I also find this facilitates further healing in me. It continues to heal my heart to help others heal theirs. When I channel Reiki, as the vessel, I too receive healing. When I give to others in love, from the compassion I have learned for myself & others, it heals my heart further. As far as forgiving our abusers, it's not saying that any of what they did is ok. It's understanding why they did what they did, understanding that under their circumstances, they did the best they could. It's acknowledging the good they did for us along with validating ourselves by acknowledging the harm, the effects in us. That's how my daughter was able to forgive me, & how I was able to forgive my parents. It doesn't mean you then need to have a close relationship with your abusers. Some are still locked into those old patterns & are unhealthy to maintain close contact with. In those cases I recommend maintaining a certain distance, boundaries that suit your needs. For years I severely limited contact with my mother but was also the recipient of guilt trips regarding her, & had her used against me by others who were trying to manipulate me. I hadn't confronted her at that time, was still to a degree keeping her dirty little secret. As long as I remained the secret keeper, I wasn't free of the shame & guilt associated with abuse - they could easily affect me & be used against me. I was able to be manipulated. My self love was also limited. Confronting your abuser is the hardest thing you'll ever do, I believe, next to living through it. I recommend doing it as soon as possible though. I didn't do it until October 2010, when I decided to take over her complete care. By then, her mind was slipping & she had no memory of her actions so there was no real resolution possible, no remorse on her part to soothe me, no real satisfaction. At least my father owned up to some of his neglect of me (I only saw him a few times in his lifetime) & I was able to detect his remorse from things I learned after his death. I learned from one of his friends how often & proudly he talked of me, for example. I also found out that one of his all-time favorite songs was, "Sunrise, Sunset," which speaks of a parent watching his little child grow up & away, with deep regret. Still makes me cry to think of the words to that song, since I can truly now cry again. After he died he gradually got right with himself & God, & came to me through a local psychic medium & expressed his regret. So even parents who never see the light on earth, will once they reach the beyond. If you're worried about their souls, this should bring you great comfort, as it did me.
Until recently, I always felt on the outside looking in on warm, loving families. I was included in some of them, including with my cousins, but never felt that I really belonged anywhere. I never felt like I had a real home other than with my beloved maternal grandparents (the ones I always talk about), or a real family. Shortly before my father died, I connected with my half sister (shared father, different mothers) & other family members & realized that I have so much in common with them despite growing up across the entire country from them. That was my first sense of real family, of belonging, & I made the most of it. Around that same time I also began receiving full benefit of the family I had created - the unconditional love of my adult children. That has been developing since then, & is very healing to my heart. They love me & my daughter seeks me, misses me when we aren't in frequent contact. She wants me to live near her so we can do things together & see each other. Even her friends love me - a reflection of the way she talks about me & the love I give to her & them. My son also expresses wanting me to live nearby, as does his fiance. It's so lovely to be wanted! Their desire to have me in their loves is in such sharp contrast to my relationship with my mother & her non-existent relationship with me & others. Years ago, before her mind went, she systematically alienated or neglected all others in relationship with her. I always strive to be the anti-Norma (her name). I measure my success as a person on that, in fact, & on whether I'm living by my own principles & standards, living true to myself.
One of the greatest gifts I've been given in the past year is an increasing soul family. Over the years I accumulated family of the heart, starting in the late 1980s at my home church. As I became more of myself I became more loving & trusting, more able to accept the love & care of others & it began. This greatly increased in the 1990s after remembering & getting great counseling for the abuse I'd suffered. As I began to accept, know, & love me, others accumulated who also loved me for me. Then just over a year ago I began to connect to my soul family, other Lightworkers (beings of Light & Love) who share the values, ideas, & spirituality I do. I never quite felt like I belonged with musicians or band members in school, although I almost did. I never fit with artists in associations. I did fit with fiber artists, since they're close to the earth & the fiber animals, one of my greatest loves, & vitally interested & involved in the old ways of doing things, work with their hands & creativity. But until I started meeting my soul group, my heart had never found a total home. Being with these others is pure joy, no matter what. I can say absolutely anything & be entirely myself. All I encounter is unconditional love, understanding, & support. Our language is the same, our attention on the same things, our hearts have the same focus & needs, as do our lives. And now I live right next door to one & can have daily contact as I wish! My heart has found heaven on earth! And my mind is blown to find in her a beautiful mother-energy for me! Long ago I found other ways to replace my need for a mother, including by being the best one to my children & all others that needed that. I quit needing & largely quit wanting it, I thought - until I began receiving it. More on that later, as the benefits unfold. This is a key to much of the healing that still needs to take place in me. Soon I'll fully understand the gift I can give to others with my mother-love.
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