Wishes for Our Children

We all have wishes for the lives of our children. Some are healthy, some are not. My children are 25 (boy) & 30 (daughter). By now, my wishes for them are clearly defined. The healthy mother in me always had very healthy wishes for them as they grew up. Unfortunately, in practice I demanded much more than that. I tried controlling them because I felt I could, whereas I didn't feel in control of my own life. That's a common mistake parents make. They feel their role is to raise & train their children when in fact are biggest role is to love them, try to prepare them for life & society, & to be the best example we can be. In many ways I was a very good example to them - of ways to give to others even without abundance in our own lives, in how to set boundaries for ourselves (although I sometimes violated theirs), in self-control & handling responsibilities. I often demanded perfection from them because that's what I learned growing up. Tomorrow's post is about how to let go of perfection. That's another big mistake people often make. You can teach your children by example how to be loving toward others (costs nothing), to pray for others, to care, to give as you are able. You can teach them to give time, kindness, & to share with others rather than be greedy. You can teach them to care for the feelings of others, & how to take care of themselves, to reach out for help as needed. Most of all, you need to be a source of unconditional love rather than constant training. Children learn best by love & example.

My daughter has become the very compassionate, understanding, loving woman I wished her to be. She lives by the philosophies I taught her, my golden rule of always being kind & caring toward others in every big & little way you can. She takes every opportunity to be giving & caring, mostly giving of herself. She's also very accepting of the flaws in others. She knew I'd be late coming in on her birthday. She knows I have trouble getting myself going when it comes to leaving the house, & that there would be a lot of traffic. She wanted to share her favorite restaurant with me & bless me on her birthday. She knew better than to make reservations, & was quite graceful when I called from Hagerstown & was about 2 hours away despite the fact that it was around the time I'd originally planned to arrive at her house. I was touched by her grace, acceptance, understanding, her lack of stress. I was also so touched by her excitement to share the surprise of restaurant destination, her delight in sharing this special dinner with me.

However, I still have unfulfilled wishes for her in her life. The biggest one that I want for her (within herself) is to show herself that same spirit of loving acceptance, that unconditional love. I was not a good example for her but I am now. I want her to de-stress, to quit caring what others think of her & not accept their judgments, to treat herself with the same respect & kindness she shows others. Then others in her life will do the same for her, or be discarded & replaced. Did you hear that? That's the proper thing to do when we have those who drain us, use us, & don't properly respect & appreciate us. It can be a friend, co-worker, boss, or family member - doesn't matter. You have to set your boundaries & set the example of how you need to be treated & limit the time & influence of anyone you can't outright eliminate that doesn't treat you as you deserve & need. We can't always eliminate a dysfunctional boss, co-worker or family member. If you aren't able to change your logistics to eliminate the dysfunction you have to set your boundaries within yourself & manage your environment (inner & outer) to minimize the effects. It also helps to understand where that person is coming from. Often understanding that the dysfunction comes from a lack in the other person gives you an opportunity to change the situation by changing how to relate to him/her. One great tool for learning to do that is the book by Dr. Gary Chapman, "The 5 Love Languages." It addresses, in depth, the ways individuals give & receive love & how learning that can facilitate healing relationships. But sometimes the true answer is just to release someone in love & move on with your life without him/her. That's sometimes necessary in letting go of what no longer serves us.

My other greatest wish for my daughter is in response to her greatest wish - healthy, full term babies from her womb. This doesn't come from a desire for grandchildren - there's no self-interest involved here although that would be ok if there were. Personally, my greatest wishes for my children have nothing to do with marriage, children or traditional success. My wish has been for them to find their passions in life & live them fully & daily (& find & develop their individual gifts), & to be the most kind, compassionate, giving, & loving people (to themselves & others) that they can be, & to find & follow their spiritual path, embrace & live it fully. To me, those 3 things comprise success in life. I want them to have the best lives for themselves that they can. I compare what I was like at their ages to where they are on those goals, & I am satisfied. I watch them struggle as individuals with things I've conquered & so wish that I could move them forward beyond them, spare them. But that's not within our realm & power as parents, & that's a very important thing to learn as early as possible. If you lead by example & you gave them a good & loving foundation, they will learn these things for themselves, as they must. We must set the rules & boundaries while they're still in our care, to protect & teach them, but at each age we must be willing to let them fly free & learn for themselves as much as possible. That's an important part of unconditional love.