I now feel that I have 2 places to call home. This is amazing since I grew up feeling that my only true home was at the home of my beloved grandparents. I never lived with them but they were like parents & grandparents all in one & quite up to it. Part of my heart will forever be in that house in Dayton, Ohio. I was never entirely at home any place I lived before now. I either shared the house with hostiles, or was single parenting in the house I'd once shared with their father. Or I was living in someone else's house with someone else's stuff, like in Hagerstown. I loved the woman - my newly ex's mother - but it was still more hers than mine. A few years after she died I made it mine but shared it with a hostile.
Many years have passed since I left Mayo, Maryland. That's where I raised my kids & spent most of my married life with my first ex. By the time I was graduated high school I'd already lived in 5 different states, so I never got to put down roots, on top of everything else. As a young adult I moved around too - several different apartments before settling down in Mayo soon after my marriage. I did put down strong roots in Mayo. I formed family-type bonds with the people in the local United Methodist Church & within my community. I also had a successful Tupperware career during that time, which made me many new friends & truly enriched my life beyond measure. Now, after doing her own young-adult wandering, my daughter lives a few blocks from the house where she grew up. Two of my best friends in the world are also nearby, as are many of the others I knew & loved. So Mayo is home to me. I've been gone since 2000, but the time & distance has erased the pain I suffered while living there.
I was back there at the beginning of October & again at Thanksgiving & for my daughter's 30th birthday (the day before Thanksgiving). I was also supposed to go for Christmas, but begged off. First, I checked with my daughter to be sure she'd be ok with it. The last thing I want to do is hurt or greatly disappoint her. I went at Thanksgiving despite the fact that it was a terrible time for a trip because I was in the middle of the move here, to spend the time with her & not disappoint her. But I know that as far as time together, Thanksgiving & her birthday are more important to her than Christmas with me. Because of the first divorce, we've spent many Christmases apart but get together for Thanksgiving as often as possible. She once marched in the Macy's Thanksgiving parade, so she & I love to watch the parade together. We must never try to live our lives through our kids, but every once in awhile we get a gratuitous vicarious thrill through them. I had nothing to do with her being in the parade, but I had always wanted that for myself. When she was growing up we'd always watch the parade together so it's always been a big deal for us. Also, when she was little she got to participate in Thanksgiving with my family in Ohio. That was the huge, whole family event in my family, although Christmas was too. All the women would get together & cook a huge feast. After my grandparents died, we quit going & I started recreating all that at home. My daughter helped from an early age, & carries on the tradition. She also carries on my later tradition of inviting those who don't have family to spend the Thanksgiving meal with.
Christmas is a time to spend with family, & I've just told you I begged off going to Maryland for Christmas. I ended up disappointing at least 2 friends & my daughter, perhaps my son-in-law too. But no one is greatly disappointed since I was just there in October & November, which is more than I have been in recent years. Also, they all understood my reasons. One of my biggest reasons is that for once my need was greater than theirs. Now that I have a new home of my own, I have a strong desire to nest. I used to be Ms. Christmas, & decorate the whole house to the hilt. I haven't done that in years now. In fact, it's been about 3 years since I've truly celebrated at all. I honored Jesus, but that was it. All the rest of it was gone for me because of the stuff going on in my marriage. I haven't truly been in the Christmas spirit other than loving Christ since my son graduated from high school. That fall he went into basic training for the Army National Guard & then straight on to Iraq for his first of 2 tours. I was in mourning rather than celebrating anything other than Christ.
As soon as I found out I was right - that my daughter wasn't crushed that I wanted to stay home - I truly got into the full Christmas spirit. I bought a tree for the first time in years & decorated the whole house again. It feels great, to do this for the first time in my new home, the first home of my own. I dug out things I haven't seen in a few years, something I always enjoy. It's like visiting old friends, especially when I decorate the tree with the ornaments of my childhood, from Christmases with my grandparents. At the very top of the tree I put the ornament with my name that my Grandma made. On each side, touching mine, goes the one with her name & Grandpa's name. Then my heart is complete no matter what. I always cry for a moment when I pull out the ornaments & hang them. I miss their physical presence, but always feel their spirits around me at that time. Now I'm fortunate enough to know they're with me always, so it hurts much less.
The only lesson here today is that although Christmas is a time for family, it's also a soul time. We much each find our own best way to celebrate & honor the season, family, love, & ourselves. Oh, & the cats are VERY glad I'm staying home!
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