Remember yesterday I said I made those resolutions to change many months ago & didn't achieve them? That means either the time wasn't right, I wasn't really ready to make the changes, or I didn't go about it in the right way. I believe in my case, it was a combination of all 3. I didn't make a plan for change, for one thing. I just rather generally noted what I wanted to change, like being as compassionate toward myself as I am toward others. I need to be more specific, as I have been on the list I made as referenced yesterday. Then I need to put those things into the list I made so I can assign them a month of gradual change. I'm learning from my mistake, or failure if you'd like to use that word. I'll bet you use it with yourself (or perhaps key loved ones) often. In truth, there is no such thing as a failure. There's only trial & error, & we learn more from the errors than the successes. As string on errors led to the invention of the light bulb! Strings of errors, or "failures" has led to eventual multi-million dollar companies. We learn from everything we try that isn't successful, more than we learn from successes. We tend to not realize all that went into a success but we remember & analyze the process that didn't lead to the desired results when we "fail." We can use these to change direction or start over at any point, & that's the healthy thing to do. What isn't healthy is to repeat the same things that aren't working without making any change. It's like the hour or more I spent on the phone with HP support right after getting this new laptop. It was too sophistocated for the internet hookup available out in the country where I lived, so wouldn't connect. The woman on the phone had me shut down & re-boot about 5 times & do a variety of time-consuming things in the same sequence, & each time it didn't fix the problem. Finally I was out of time & patience (which means I started speaking very slowly & deliberately) & said that there was no use doing it yet again because repeating the same thing without variation wasn't fixing the problem every other time we did it. It was time to do something else, & perhaps for her to consult with someone else who actually could fix the problem. I was more than willing to be put on hold while she consulted with someone, & when she came back with a new set of actions for me to perform, it did work.
Many people stick with the familiar even when it isn't working because they're afraid of change or the familiar is all they know. Yet stepping even a little out of your comfort zone can bring about huge change. Will you make mistakes? Of course. Will you learn from them & recover? Hopefully. You will if you're capable of change & growth, learning. As I write this, what's most on my heart is those who stay in relationships after it's clearly time to get out. I'm not an advocate for divorce but I'm less of an advocate for self-destruction & sometimes getting out of a marriage or living arrangement is the only way to save yourself. Just remember that you can't change him or her, only yourself. You can't ever make another being do what you want them to do, even your children. One of the best books I've ever read is "The 5 Love Languages," by Dr. Gary Chapman. It has saved many relationships & heart-breaks. I once recommended it to my daughter in an effort to help her understand that her father loved her with all his heart but that his style of giving love was different than her style of receiving. It's a very simple but profound book about the different styles of giving & receiving love, including those who do acts of kindness, service, loving touch, gift givers, & those who give words of affirmation. (I think I got those right - it's been awhile since I've needed to read it.)
The other thing on my heart is those of us who allow ourselves to get into a position where we're financially dependent on someone in a relationship or living arrangement & then find the situation detrimental. Being or feeling stuck is the worst feeling! I know from experience. Although I was unhappy & had married the wrong person for me, I stayed married for 10 years the first time. That's because I conceived 9 months into the marriage, right about the time I was honest with myself about it not being a good relationship. I wasn't stuck. I tried all I knew how to make the relationship better, make the family work. If we hadn't had children, I would have made a quick exit before our first anniversary. At first the baby was a wonderful focus & many times enough for me. I stayed in the marriage until I couldn't, & also saw that the family dynamics weren't good for the kids either. The way I am, I live with something making the best of it until I hit the wall & then I'm past done. Like with my hair - I'll work with the length & thickness until one day I'm just done - & then immediately go & get it drastically cut & thinned. That's what happened in the first marriage. I could have gotten out at any time, & I did. It's the second time around that I was stuck, economically, & mentally. I'd sacrificed all I cared about to live with him & couldn't call it quits or it all would have been in vain. I had myself in a psychological stranglehold. That's something we often find ourselves in when it's an abusive relationship.
I don't really have a lesson for you right now on those 2 things on my heart, except don't let yourself get into that position. Getting there is usually a long time coming, & we aren't aware of what we're setting ourselves up for. I'm sure this is a topic for another time, & that what I'm to say about it will come to me. These things will perk in my mind for awhile. That's what I do with unresolved problems, issues, questions or a need for healing. If it doesn't come immediately, it stays working in my subconscious until the answers come, or are given. So the lesson for today is simply not to stress or take "failures" to heart because they're the path to all success. No one gets it all right the first time, so don't expect yourself too. Be kind to yourself in all ways.
No comments:
Post a Comment