Don't "Should" on Me!

For about 6 months I attended meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Since that wasn't the primary problem in the home I grew up in, I only took 2 good things from it. However, if that was the primary dysfunction in your birth home, I highly recommend the group. One thing I took from it was the picture of what we all lived with, no matter what kind of deep dysfunction was within the home. "The elephant in the middle of the living room." We were taught to ignore that elephant growing up, not to talk about it within or outside the home but that it was the norm despite it being a closed subject. The concept is entirely that - how outrageous, yet "understood" to be the norm. However, it was never to be talked about. First of all, how foreign is the idea that you don't talk about a norm! And the brainwashing that goes into all that. I shared that with adult children of alcoholics, only in my home there were many elephants - the air of homosexuality within the home, the drinking, the abuse. I've spoken before about being the secret keeper. That's what all children of alcoholics are, & it's very damaging.

The other thing I learned was "don't 'should' on me." Doesn't it sound like the s word? You know (s---). It's the same, really. One of my mother's favorite phrases was, "You should have known better." I heard that from an early age, always about something I hadn't been taught &/or was way advanced for my age. That cut me, my belief in myself, my self esteem, into ribbons. The other really bad use of that is telling anyone what they should feel, think, believe, or do. To me "should" is a 4-letter word & I don't use it. Instead, I say what I would do in the situation or have done, if I give advice. Or I say "you could..." That is sharing rather than telling. It's suggesting rather than commanding. It works with God-given free will. Another good one is, "You could. I wouldn't, but you could" when advising someone not to do something. I believe I've spoken on "should" at least once before but it bears repeating. So many people "should" on us.

The other day I was on a long drive with 2 women & we got to talking about the southern way of sidestepping an answer when someone is getting into your business or giving advice instead of outright saying "no." I'm courteous for the most part when people give me unwanted advice. I usually don't say I'm not going to do that, because that usually requires an explanation of why. For all that I'm transparent, I do keep some things close to my chest rather than put it all out there. Over the years I've learned to edit myself depending on who I'm talking with. If I'm dealing with advice from my nearest & dearest, chances are I'll say I'm not going to do that if given advice that is counter to what I think is in my best interests. To those few I'm perfectly willing to explain my reasons. Those are the people that I truly listen to. If I disagree, I still take in the advice. If I was wrong to disagree, it will perk within me until I see the wisdom. At that point, I go back & tell the person I was wrong & he/she was right, & my new conclusion. But to most, I'll simply say something like "That sounds interesting. I'll have to think about that." That usually ends the conversation very quickly, & I then change the subject. Usually I do that by asking them a question that leads away. Those who are no closest to me who decide to give advice get my courtesy but that's it. If the advice is counter to my interests there's no need to shut them down by saying that, & no need to put myself out there to explain why. Except for those closest to me, my business is private, but I don't need to slap anyone by saying that. I believe it's kindest to just say that I'll think about it & go on my merry way. I listened, respected the person, but not the unsolicited advice. And let's be clear - that's what I'm talking about here - unsolicited advice. People give it all the time.

I read a wonderful magazine article written by someone who used to think everyone wanted her advice. She used to feel insulted if someone did something counter to her advice. Then one time someone seemed to follow her advice & the outcome was disastrous, & it really made her think. She was totally failing to realize that we all have free will & that all responsible adults make their own decisions. Our advice is not make or break for anyone, usually. Eventually she learned to make sure the person wanted advice before giving it, & then give it in careful terms. The article really made me think because, as a helper, I tend to think people who talk with me about things want my advice, & freely give it. However, I never tell people what to do. I simply share my experiences. It's been a huge source of pain to me & help for others that I have so much experience in coping with life difficulties. But I've overcome most of them - I'm a triumphant survivor, & I can relate how I overcame the difficulties usually. Mostly what my message to those hurting is - if I can you can, & I can tell you how I did it. There's hope! There's life after... & it's a marvelous life so it's worth working through the pain.

The bottom line is we need to treat each person with the honor & respect due to them as humans. We need to do that with all creatures. Further, we need to treat each person in the way the person wishes & needs to be treated, according to their individual needs. Most of all, we need to do that with those who look to us, look up to us, & those closest to us. Love is NOT an emotion, it's an action!!!