I live a fairly transparent life, especially since starting this blog. Believe me, there's very little I hold back from you or anyone else. Until I was in my 30s I was the "Dirty Little Secret" Keeper. I thought it was my dirty little secret, so terrible that not even I knew what it was. When I finally recovered the repressed memories of my childhood, I realized it wasn't anything I'd done - it was what had been done to me. Still, it was very hard to speak it. I made myself at times, to a few, & it was cathartic. But I still in many ways kept the secret for 9 more years, only letting it out a little more as I became more indignant at what I'd suffered. In other ways, I still kept the secret for 21 years though - until I confronted my abuser with my truth. By then, her mind was so gone that she couldn't remember enough to make it satisfying in many ways. And so it goes - many of us never get that resolution, hear a heartfelt "I'm sorry." Still, it's better to speak your truth. I ended up nearly totally liberating me. I'm still working on total liberation.
Perhaps because of being that secret keeper, I'm a weirdly honest person. The other day a friend was telling someone that as Lightworkers we'd rather be doing many other things than watching TV. And I had to tell that I actually watch TV every night. There was no reason for that other than the fact that I have such an honest, wide-open streak in me now that I had to correct the impression about me rather than let it stand as if my behavior was in total agreement. I noticed at the time how uselessly honest that was, especially when she said she wasn't saying there was anything wrong with watching TV, which is true. It made me think about why I felt compelled to tell my truth. The other thing it did was further help me define why I watch TV at night, always when I'm taking "me time" as I wind down for bed. I actually use it to shut down my mind & turn off the energies. Another way I could do it would be to read a novel, but not a metaphysical book - that would actually recharge the energies. Plenty of people have their devotional, study, prayer or meditation time at night. I have mine in the morning & then whenever throughout the day & evening. Since this is my life, that's part of what I shut off when preparing for bed. I thought of it as kind of downloading my brain.
I'm not going to now tell you everything I've ever done that I'm not proud of, or even current ones. But I will tell you that I've forgiven myself for every one of them & realized why I did them. I would tell if asked - I no longer carry shame. It's a wonderful feeling. I'll also say that I still have some habits that I wouldn't want scrutinized - I'm glad I now live alone. They're nothing terrible - I just embarrass easily. So what I'm going to work on in the coming year, as you work on your changes, is the same program. I made my list of things I wish to change or behaviors I wish to adopt. I came up with a list of 12-14 things depending on whether I decide to give up caffeine & sodas. Ten of them are personal & 2 are business habits. I'm already working on the business ones & will have them implemented & cemented into habit by the end of February if not before. I know the holidays are a business nightmare & that my other big holiday (Groundhog Day, of course) throws me off course for about 2 weeks or so at the end of January, beginning of February. Again, notice my philosophy of giving yourself a break when you need it. For me, it's Groundhog Day, which is a week-long event of the highest magnitude in my life. For most of you, it would be a vacation some time in the summer probably, & of course, the Christmas/New Years holiday season for most of us. Of the 10 personal ones, I'm pledging to conquer one a month. The one for January is to stop smoking. I tried this past weekend, then did myself in. As a Lightworker & healer, I want to be the best example of good health & vitality & smoking doesn't fit in. It's also not a wise use of the abundance & prosperity I'm working to manifest. So, now it's time for you to make your own lists. If you'd like to share the list with me, I can help hold you accountable. I can help you with strategies. Or if you'd like to share your January plan... You can email me privately at cwfjennylea & that's a gmail.com address. One of my goals with my plan for change is that I want to be able to be entirely transparent, to live my life without that feeling of keeping even the slightest secret. I want to always be open to complete scrutiny, not that I'm going to get it, except from the most accepting, forgiving beings around - God & the angels. And I want you to understand that this isn't a goal for the new year, this is something I do any time of year when it feels right & I'm ready to make a change. The timing here is actually that I just finally moved into a new home that's a whole huge entire change for me, & will facilitate all the rest of the changes I want to make because my life has changed so much for the better. I'd be starting the program of changing myself today except for giving myself a break for the holidays & knowing that I'm still unpacking, getting settled. Which reminds me of another thing to add to my list - to always mentally be kind to myself instead of pressuring myself to achieve or allowing others to exert pressure on me. I need to look back at my resolutions regarding that, self care, etc from months ago because I still haven't achieved those. That's an important point, for tomorrow's blog.
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