Part I - Background, My Religious Life

I was led to tell you this, so here goes. I used to be religious. I've read the Bible from cover to cover, after years of reading certain sections over & over, mostly the New Testament. I've regularly attended Presbyterian, Lutheran, & Methodist churches. When I was a teen, I went to church wherever I could get a ride, which is why I attended all 3 rather than being raised in one church. I felt a connection & sought. In a few visits a year, my beloved grandmother would tell me about God & Jesus. Family friends took me to church on Easter Sunday when I was in elementary school. I had a couple of children's books of prayers. But I didn't have the benefit of church when I was little, nor was God spoken of in our house. It's been a long journey.

In high school, I developed a great connection to Jesus. Every night for at least 6 months, I'd go to bed early so I could talk with Him. At that time my mother was very ill & was blaming her illness on me. I'd go to bed & ask Him why. He would tell me how to endure, what I could learn, how much He loves me. It was a conversation. Eventually we became good enough friends that we'd talk about other things too. He became my best friend, & I enjoyed His sense of humor.

Then my mother got religion & I started going to church with her. She & her friends told me over & over that there's only one way to pray, & that I couldn't possibly have been talking with Jesus Himself. The conversations stopped because I stopped them. I got so mired in trying to get it right that I sank too far into my own pit. Then I turned my back on Him & started living for myself in a very worldly way, seeking love in all the wrong ways.

As a young adult, every time I was in deep emotional trouble, I'd study the Bible & pray earnestly. Eventually I latched onto religion as a crutch. I struggled with it all, the questions many of us agonize over. Is every word in the Bible true? How come God let's bad things happen to good people? Just what all does He do for us? How involved is He? I listened to religious radio & TV programs, went to church, took Bible study classes. Eventually I thought I had the answers.

My teen & young adult life was a series of "being saved" & going worldly. My first big crisis of faith & religion came when my mother became religious. My second came when my first marriage ended despite all my prayers. I'd thought I'd had all the answers & suddenly I was left with nothing but questions. My years of struggle weren't helped by most of the ministers. Most of them were distant & pedantic. Only one was truly spiritual & inclusive, a true man of God.

Right after I separated from my first husband, our church got a new minister. He was exactly the right one for me. He regularly made time for me, to answer my questions. He was totally honest with me about his views vs. the church's. He healed our ailing church family right when I most needed that family. He, his wife, that church family supported me & helped me raise my kids. My kids have had a different journey, were raised in that church. Yet they struggle with many of the same questions & problems I had. Then, 11 years ago, I moved on to was husband #2, who talked derisively of "God Squaders." By then I believed in reincarnation so I sought, at times, answers to my questions outside of the Protestant church, quit going to church altogether.