Every time I was religious I was miserable. Every time I went my own way, I was miserable. However, God was with me & within me through it all. Times that I thought I was so far from Him, others saw Him within me! Once I ran into a guy I used to date when I was so down that I was suicidal at the end. He told me he'd given his life to God because of me! My deep faith had so touched him. Folks, I surely wasn't aware of my faith at that point so I was shocked. But at that point I wasn't trying to be anything, so I was visibly spiritual. I used to tell that new minister that I didn't know what I believe any more. He used to tell me that deep inside, I do, that it would be there when I need it. He told me it was time to stop trying to figure it all out & start taking care of me, time to start living my life. That freed me to participate in the church on my own terms & spend my time taking care of me & my family. It freed me from those dreaded "shoulds."
At times, I knew I should give my life to God, knew I was destined. But I was resistant because of my religious experiences. Those experiences were very unbalanced & unhappy. I spent so much time seeking answers & trying to toe the line that I didn't have a life. I was always afraid to make a misstep, go the wrong way, displease God. Then, about 6 years ago, my individual beliefs started really emerging & I moved away from organized religion entirely. But the life I was living was really in the way of personal growth, had to end for me to move forward. I was blessed with what I liken to an earthquake - my former life disappeared in seemingly a flash, but it really wasn't. It took me about 8 months to believe my husband stole all my mother's money, come to terms with reality, quit trying to cling to my former life, & to begin planning a new life. Part of facing reality was realizing that none of the old life truly fit me, so it was going to have to be a total "do over." I realized it was my first opportunity to create the life I want on my terms. A friend kept telling me that God gave me so many talents for a reason. I realized it was finally my time - time to use them, to live what I was created for. It's what I'd always wanted anyway. My talents are my bliss, one of my personal joys in life. I also realized I wanted God at the center of my life, for His work to be what my life is about.
That was September 2010 & doors started opening because of my intent. Every time a door appeared I'd walk through & ask, "What next?" Because I was centered in God & my intent, I recognized Who presented the doors. I didn't concern myself with questions, didn't need to see what was ahead because I knew Who was ahead. I've been able to take it one step at a time because each step took me to incredible new places to dwell until the next step. So it's been an entirely spiritual journey. It's been a purposeful journey so it's been very rapid. Also, the groundwork has been years in the making.
It's like nothing I've ever known before - I've only had rare glimpses of this. It's nothing like being religious, yet I'm more deeply involved than ever before. Instead of being limiting as I feared, it frees me in incredible ways. I'm not combing the Bible for answers, not hung up with questions. Things are being revealed each time I'm ready. I'm plugged straight into the Source. I talk with Him & He talks with me. I'm still dealing with the mess from my former life, & healing from past hurts, yet I'm happier than I've ever been. I lost my man yet for the first time in my life, I'm not lonely. The poor unloved child I was now knows that was never true, that God always loved & cared for me, took care of me. I know Love like never before. Nothing is the same in my life - it's all being redefined for me. It all has new & enhanced meaning. A God-centered, spiritual life is a daily adventure. I never know what I'll blog about, what healing will take place, what new thing I'll learn, how or what He'll provide for me each day. I only know He does & will, so I awaken with great anticipation each day. I believe tomorrow's blog will be about that adventure.
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