Part I of 2 Today - The Situation...

Only one thing on my mind today - the decision I made last night to move forward with my life in a huge leap of faith, to trust God & the Universe! I'm cutting the ties, freeing myself, leaping totally into the Arms of God in faith & trust. And I'm crying, because I sense the Love waiting for me, the Joy. I believe there's that huge nest of angel feathers to catch me if I fall. I'm almost scared, but I'm not. I'm so excited! I can hardly wait to see what happens next! By the way, I'm writing this but I'm also not. I'm receiving help with the words, as I usually do, but even more so today. I have no idea exactly how I'm going to tell this story, only that I can't move on with my day until I share it.

October 17, 2010 I grabbed my mother out of bed around 2:00 a.m. & packed a few things, packed up the cats, & we fled for our lives. We ran to my daughter & best friend in Maryland, from Pennsylvania. We didn't return to Pennsylvania until November 2, 2010, the day after the threat was over because my husband (now ex) went to jail on November 1. The man I was married to had threatened to kill my mother if she called the police on him again for extorting money from her, after he'd stolen her life savings. I called the police that night, the 16th, & he didn't leave when they requested it. So I was left alone in the house with him, my sickly & dependent mother, & 5 cats. When he spoke with the officer & with me, I could hear my death in his voice. I can't begin to tell you what that sounded like, how different he sounded. I'd heard him sound wildly crazy before, when she called the police on him & he was desperate to get me to let him move her into my home, October of 2009. At the time I didn't know what was going on, only that he sounded insane, made no sense, was wild. Later I discovered he was desperate to move her out of state before she could talk with the police again, before she discovered he'd taken all $500,000 instead of just the $9000 she knew of at the time & charged him with. This was different.

So we ran for our lives & it was the beginning & end of a nightmare. On one hand I took full responsibility for my lifelong abuser, who was nearly entirely dependent. I put my life partner in jail, thus ending what little help & buffer I had within my home. I was left with care of my mother, no job, past due bills, the cleanup of his crimes, no money of my own, a house with oversized rent, a house full of unpacked boxes of his stuff & hers, & a huge IRS lien on her income because of her stocks he sold & pocketed. On the other hand, I was now free of his abuse & presence, left with a hole where my life had been. I alone got to choose what to then make of my life. My choice was to become a Reiki practitioner, start my business, try to care for my mother & clean up the mess rather than walk away, & to finally have my life be about following my calling, which is in serving God. That's always been in me but I wasn't ready before, & it wasn't my time yet. Now, I made it clear at the time that taking care of my mother & working through the mess was a limited time thing. I figured I had about 6 months of it in me, 8 or 9 at tops. We would live off her income while I looked for evidence to use to gain restitution for her, cleared out the house, took care of her, looked for a job, cleared up the IRS situation, etc. I hoped it would bring an opportunity for healing in our relationship. I hoped it would give me the chance to finally put my inner demons to rest, to resolve the relationship & overcome the abuse. I told her I'd take care of her as long as she cooperated with me in her care, in our living arrangements, until her care became beyond my capabilities, or until I just couldn't any more due to lack of progress in our relationship or her cooperation. She too had a choice - that or assisted living as soon as we got back to Pennsylvania.

Going through the boxes of his papers & things was very hard on me. I kept finding nasty things he'd written about me, signs of his theft, nasty surprises in every box that reminded me of all the hurt he inflicted on me over the years. I had to deal with & heal from so very much. I had to come to understand why I sold my self to him, gave up my independence & responsibilities, & allowed myself to be abused by a Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde. I was with him for 10 years & gave up my job, my home, my family & friends in many ways, to be with him. Dealing with the why & healing of course brought me to my childhood, & I had to deal with that while caring for my abuser. On one hand I was dealing with all that at home. On the other hand I was participating in Reiki Exchanges, taking advantage of every chance to heal & grow spiritually, & trying to get my business started. I made friends in the Reiki community & have a terrific support system between friends & family.

In the end I've had limited success. I couldn't entirely call off the IRS, but they've backed off. I couldn't prove anything that would allow for real restitution. I've gone through all his boxes & had to just let it go. I still feel overwhelmed by all of her boxes & all his mess still here. I've got to have a sale & can't even find the space or energy to stage it. Yet I need the money, the clearing. I haven't found a job, my business isn't self-supporting yet much less supporting me.

Most of you know this whole story so I appreciate you hanging in here. Part 2 is much better, but this was very therapeutic. In 8 months I've accomplished about half the impossible task I took on. I've moved on as far as my ex. Every time God opened a door for me, I walked through & asked "what next." So I've been healing & growing this whole time.