Never Say Never, the 2 X 4 Effect

Recently my blogs seem to have changed, in the last 2 weeks or so. This is being written on Tuesday, just after reading the responses to yesterday's blog. The 2 people who responded, including the man I mention in the first paragraph yesterday, both said I'm shining. One said that I shine & listen openly. The other said, "and by the way, your light is shining!" After I read those, I read today's message from the Universe via tut.com & was further moved to tears, started when I read those responses. That sent me to my journal, which I now realize is a form of meditation. As soon as I started writing about what I'd just experienced & the tears & why I'm so often moved to tears lately, I was given the subject of this blog & my next ones. During the flow I stopped to talk with God & tell him that I want it all. You'll read about it in the one about my wildest dreams. During that talk, He revealed my life to me. Now I know I've always had Him with me, have always been in His care, in His Hands. I'm no longer concerned about the call for an interview for the job I want, the poison ivy spreading over my arms & hands & how I'd look at that job interview, or anything else. Tuesday's blog is about not fearing but that doesn't mean I don't sometimes feel concern or get preoccupied. It simply means that I swiftly deal with it. I was suddenly given such perception that I realize that all of it is just details, part of the illusion. I can't even put this into words for you but I was hit with a 2 X 4 of vision, assurance of the outcome, who & what I am & what my life is about. And that will possibly be another blog. I'm not sure what all I'll tell of this or what all I'll be able to put into words because the knowledge I was given & the depth is beyond words & highly personal, but I believe I'm supposed to share at least some of it.

I've been hit with several cosmic 2 X 4s lately. I had shut myself off from love & passion, & therefore was denying access to a vital part of me & my being. My 1st & 2nd chakras were blocked & so was my heart chakra. As a result, I've had dis-ease in my life that remained unhealed. Nearly a year ago I was told that there would be another husband & I practically reared up in my chair & said "oh no!" Ever since I've been saying "never." I would never marry again, I never wanted a mate again, couldn't picture being sexual again, never wanted to be touched again in that way. I'd shut the door & firmly wasn't looking. But a friend predicted it would happen a year from now. And another kept telling me it was coming & soon. And I just kept protesting, & tamping down each impulse to want that. As I said, I was blocking my own healing by walling off a huge part of myself. So I got hit with a 2 X 4. Sometimes these hits send us reeling & it really hurts. It's a painful lesson we've been avoiding learning & the only way to get to us is the wham us. In this case I was swept off my feet suddenly & totally. The man sent me an email, that's all. Just asked if I'm doing alright, was concerned based on my tone on Facebook. I've known him for 12 years but he's only been marginally in my life most of those years. I met him through my most recent ex, they were close friends. When he contacted me I was surprised, because most of those who were our friends never bother to contact me ever in any way. So I was completely honest with him in my reply email & when I didn't hear back for a week I thought he was gone again. I figured the honesty was too much for him, that his question was idle. But a week later when he emailed & said he's hurting too, that he needs me & maybe he can help me too, so of course I called him. I've cared about & for this man since the day we met, always wondered why I was with my now ex rather than him. He said the magic words when he said he needed me & to please call him. I thought I was simply reaching out to help him, find out what was wrong & what I could do for him. In fact, that's one of the first things I asked him.

What happened next floored us both. We got hit by the same 2 X 4. He says I swept him off his feet but I happen to think he did the sweeping. The real truth is, God is doing the sweeping on both of us. I am head over heels in love, more powerfully & swiftly than I ever have been before, ever. Never is now ever. I've had a lot to deal with lately, including handling the fears of feeling like this, all the issues that have come up, & the swift healing. Remember, healing often involves pain in the process, so the faster the healing & the more being healed, the more potential for discomfort while it's happening. My heart is suddenly so open & vulnerable, so overflowingly full. All my feelings & emotions that I'd kept so carefully guarded are on the surface & raw, the protections suddenly stripped away like a bandage. And this is what you're sensing in the latest blogs. I am scared & excited & giddy & happy & silly & playful & feeling anything & everything all at once, more powerfully than I ever have. Everything is accelerating now, as we move through the new energies of 2012. I thought I was ready & eager for that but boy is it a whirlwind to navigate!

This is not at all what I was looking for, but obviously the time was right even though it doesn't seem so. Both of our lives are so complicated right now, for one thing. I had my head down & was digging in to solving the situations in my life - looking for a job & the way to really get on with my life's work. But I opened this door, unwittingly. I'm the one who started working on manifesting "true happiness, with all the blessings, benefits, & abundance that is a part of that" or however I exactly say it. I never put "love" in there as one friend kept asserting because Mike Dooley says when you manifest happiness you manifest love, relationships, prosperity, family, friends, the whole thing, & I believe that. I went from a bunch of specifics to leaving it wide open to the Universe, but my thinking was on my need for abundance & prosperity. But I learned the lesson & didn't limit the Universe with details. The reason I was truly hit with a 2 X 4 is that I wasn't following my own advice as written in these blogs. I had closed off a vital part of myself & my talk was negative in the love & sex arena. I simply didn't picture myself with that element in my life ever again, despite some stray longings that I was tamping down, as I've said. I was closed down so I had to be hit rather than gentled into this. It's exposed tons of fears & doubts left over from past "mistakes," unresolved issues that need to be handled & healed. It's left me wide open.

Fortunately, we are never given more than we can handle. Truly! There's a physical distance between this man & me & I have no idea when & how we'll bridge that distance. It would take days of driving or hours of flying to bridge it, so we're not going to be face to face tomorrow or next week. That means I don't have to act on any of the issues right now. It gives me time to do my healing, to explore our relationship, to get to know him in a new way. I believe he's the one that was predicted, the one I did always know was coming. I know his heart & soul & I'm finding new depths all the time, a similarity of purpose & knowledge that blows me away. I lack some trust in myself & my perceptions because of past patterns, & that's part of the healing I need to do. Even writing about any of this is hard because of them. I believe I'm on the threshold of my wildest dreams coming true & right now I fear the disappointment & pain if I'm wrong about that, being hurt again, or heading into another disaster like I did in my last marriage. Even winning & success can be very scary. Often times failure or not trying is so much safer, the known vs. the unknown. But in the end, I'm a believer. I can't help but live my life out loud, especially now. The more I go on, & heal, the more I'm ready to dare to get there. My life is ultimately based on love, hope, belief, faith, & trust in the good of life & God. And I don't believe truly for a minute that He would dangle paradise in front of me only to say, "Opps - not for you. I was only messing with you." Think about that, please. God doesn't do that to us, ever. Every "mistake" is learning ground, & brings you further along your path to glory. Some "mistakes" I made with my ex led me to meet & be involved with this very man, bonded us. Part of the lesson here is that although I had one part of me as shut off as I could, I was doing what I was supposed to do. I was working to clear the problems in my life, being there for others & reaching out to them, being responsive to the needs of others, & had opened myself & my life to all the manifestations of good the Universe offers.

This has been hard to even write about. I truly don't know what will happen tomorrow, this week, next month, between us. I know the quality & quantity of the love he has for me. I know his soul & intent, but not whether this relationship will ever come to fruition. So declaring it in this blog is rather scary, especially this early. I'm not entirely sure he is the one for me. So many people don't even believe in such things but I do. I believe there's someone I'm to share it all with, including my life's work. Mike Dooley often talks in the messages from the Universe about the plan we set in motion before we're born but in his books sounds like there's no such thing. But I know I set a plan before birth & that I have a mission here on earth. I know that whoever "he" is will be a part of that, although I was told he wouldn't be aware of it prior to our joining. I also know that as much as I may love anyone, & I have & do love several men to varying degrees, I can't be with someone who will not share & participate in this most important part of my life. My life is truly about MY work. I'm nowhere near being ready to retire, don't believe I ever will retire - my work is just starting. There's one man I've loved as my dearest friend for 22 years, have known him for 32 years. I explored having more with him, but he's ready to retire & wants me to be his playmate & I can't do that. Perhaps that's the entire reason why the latest attempt at romance fizzled. There's another that I've loved for 21 years & did have a romantic relationship with, have had trouble leaving behind. I can't have a life with him either. His life is set & he doesn't want it to change. It isn't a life I could fit into, & he'd have to give up too much to be with me. So I've been able to get practical about that, to emotionally give up & move forward. I know absolutely that it's not meant to be, will not happen & shouldn't. Fortunately, I haven't even set eyes on him in 12 years so that made it easier to be practical. What develops in this new relationship remains to be seen. At worst, I've opened & done a tremendous amount of healing. I've started writing my life story, as I've been told by the angels to do. And I realize that I do want it all, want the happily ever after. That said, I totally realize that happily ever after is an illusion too, because all relationships involve work & some conflict, compromise, & problems. I'm a realist along with being a believer, which is a very good thing.