Tribute to My Kids

This might be another self-indulgent subject, but hopefully there's a message for you here. My daughter turned 30 & my son turned 25 a few months ago. I was not the best mother when I was raising them, especially with my daughter. I had hidden the deepest parts of the abuse at the hands of my mother so far within me that I reacted to it without knowing why or what. Only the tip of the iceberg stuck into my conscious mind, which was bad enough. That hidden experience controlled me at times, & I controlled it without the knowledge of what I was controlling. This is why many who are abused go on to abuse. We can only control ourselves so far without knowing what we're doing & healing. And you can't heal when you're not really aware of what's there. I did way better with my kids than was done with me, but I carried a rage deep inside that I was totally unaware of. And all parents know that despite our best efforts, things come out of our mouths that we heard our parents say & swore we never would, as well as reactions. Those of us who deeply love our kids do our best to be better parents than ours were, especially if there was some kind of abuse or lack.

Despite all that, my kids are lovely, successful human beings & I'm very proud of them. We all want our kids to grow up & be the best they can be. Some have specific goals for them, desires for them to fulfill & that's not really healthy. All I ever wanted for my kids is the same things I wanted for myself. I wanted them to be happy, contented, fulfilled, healthy in body, mind, & spirit - the best of themselves that they would be. For specifics, I wanted them to be loving, caring, kind, giving humans who would make a positive difference in the lives of others. And those are the greatest values I tried to teach.

I am so very proud of both my kids. I just got off the phone from a conversation with my son. I didn't initiate this one. He tends to worry about me & so I didn't seek him while I'm struggling. However, he already knew from Facebook that I'm now without a car. I also had to tell him I'm still without a job, entirely without a current source of income. He was wonderful. He would have given me "the talk" if I'd been depressed or needed an attitude adjustment. He was very loving & sweet, pleased that I haven't been ashamed to apply for public assistance, & that I'm working the best I can with all resources available to me, open to all help.

My son has become an Edward Jones financial advisor & is doing so well with it that he'll soon be getting his own franchise office. My ex failed at a similar business because he didn't want to work hard enough at it, or within the honesty guidelines. I'm so very proud of my son because I know what kind of work it takes & how hard it can be. Many years ago I was in a similar business with my ex, & it's something I simply wasn't good at. I never would have envisioned this for my son, but I'm so very proud of him for working so hard, his honesty, & integrity, & his brains. He is also a very loving, kind, giving, caring individual who very much loves & respects me, his mother. We are very close, almost always have been.

My daughter & I haven't always been as close, but for about 10 years now have been growing ever closer & now our relationship is all I've wanted it to be. We're best friends as well as mother/daughter. We're cheerleaders for each other, supports, constant sources of love. We talk or message each other way more than my son & I do. A lot of that is a "girl" thing, & some of it is his personality. I wish he & I would talk more often but I know it's not lack of love or caring on his part. Now, please remember that phones & messages work both ways so instead of complaining about people not contacting you, contact them. Usually one person is the main initiator when comes to that. Often, that one person finds him/herself in that role with most friends & family members. In that position in the past I've felt unloved, & that's wrong. It's just how people are - some initiate & some don't. So if you find yourself in the role as the one who does, just do it & don't give it a bunch of thought. You can't change others but you can make those contacts yourself when you feel the need or that too much time has passed. I was the one to call, write letters, keep contact going with most of my friends & family members all my life & have accepted that.

I'm so very proud of my daughter. She's a licensed clinical social worker. She spends her life helping others. It stemmed from her own pain thanks to growing up the child of her father & me. She's done so much healing & growing, & has been of true value to others. She does it in her private life too. It's so funny to hear her "go into social worker mode" when chatting with someone who expresses a need, or is unaware of a need. Because she's in a profession of helping & healing, it's a wonderful mode to hear in action, which is why it makes me laugh. She also has the ability to laugh at herself, & it's wonderful to hear. She too is not professionally what I thought she'd be, but entirely the person I hoped she'd become. I didn't actually project what profession I thought my kids would end up in but you know what I mean when I say it's not what I envisioned. We know their personalities & have a general type of profession in mind, have an idea of what we feel they're suited for. Our kids don't always understand or go along with what we choose to do in life either. My son doesn't really understand Reiki healing so I don't really talk with him about it. However, my daughter actually loves me to give her Reiki treatments & I've attuned her to Reiki I, my first student, which thrills me.

I never take the love, attention, care, or respect of my kids for granted in the least. I'm always very aware of my feelings toward my own mother. Being around her or even talking on the phone is very uncomfortable for me & done only out of duty. I don't know how much love, if any, I have for her. I have no respect for her, but do treat her respectfully. I believe all humans deserve respectful treatment. Because of all this, I don't ask for attention or care from my own kids, despite what I've given to them. That's my job! I owe them everything & they owe me nothing. Having them means I took on the lifelong job of giving to them according to their needs within the role of "mother." I don't believe that it's a two-way street & that it then obligates them in any way. Depending on what you believe, it was my conscious choice to have them & not theirs to be born to me. Now, that's not what I believe any more but I still don't believe they owe me love, attention, respect, loyalty, care, etc. This means I'm always in awe, gratitude, & true appreciation of the love, attention, respect, loyalty, & care they give me, & the quality & quantity of it. It never fails to bring tears to my eyes when they express their deep love & care of me. I'm so very grateful. I love them more than I could ever express or fully show. They mean more to me than anyone or anything else on earth, more than I could ever express or fully show. They are my treasures. Remember that "Acts of Service" is one of the biggest ways I show my love. I was a stay-at-home mom when my kids were young. I was a Tupperware manager, but my kids were usually with my husband when I was out working. During my single parenting years, I worked outside the home but gave my kids all the time & attention I could. I took them to athletic practices & games, scouts, Sunday School, & church activities. My second job was them, & I didn't have that much of a social life. I spent my evenings & weekends in bowling alleys & bars when I was a kid, reading by myself most of the time. I wanted to give my kids the gifts of myself & activities suited to them. I knew my time would come when they grew up & left home, & it has. It might seem silly, but I feel especially rewarded when my kids list foods I made them among their absolute favorites. And cooking Thanksgiving meals or baking cookies with my daughter remains one of our favorite things to do together.

I was going to end the blog thee but I can't stop thinking about my talk with my son. He's even going to help me in my job search! He lives in Iowa & I live in PA, but he thought of how hard & confusing job searches can be! He said he remembers being in a similar position. The resourcefulness of my kids just blows me away each time. They constantly amaze me with how empathetic, knowledgeable, caring, giving, & creative they are. My daughter was so helpful when I needed to make decisions about whether to try to buy my totaled car back from the insurance company & have it repaired, helped me see my options & provided knowledge I didn't have from her own experiences. These days I think our need of each other is equal, & they have become valuable resources in my life. I give to them according to their needs & they give to me in accord with mine. They so enrich my life! One of the things most on my heart is my daughter's efforts to have babies of her own, & I support her through prayers, intent, & loving listening. My son's needs are always on my heart too, & I support him in every way I can. And I've gained 2 wonderful children in the process. My daughter is married & soon my son will be too. I adore their choices, very fortunately. I've truly gained. But if I hadn't, I would still have to be loving & giving, supportive, unless there was mistreatment or abuse taking place. It's really not up to me to approve or not of their choices in life. My job is to support them & their needs so matter what. That job continues forever. Kids & pets are lifetime commitments we've chosen to make, but also the gift that keeps on giving. Back to my more regular type blogs tomorrow.