I did it again November through January - put someone on a pedestal, above myself. I especially did it in my 2nd marriage, thought I'd learned the lessons but didn't realize until today how to really look at the mistakes I was making. Until you understand, it's hard to learn the lessons & move on, stop repeating them. I have a tendency to look for a mother or father figure, consider them above me, put them on a pedestal. Then I lose myself like a chameleon, & my time & tastes revolve around them. I consider them to be the authorities, & that sets up a very unequal relationship. I then tend to give away my personal power, lose my independence & sense of self. I also tend to accept everything they say as fact until they betray that trust, think they have my best interest at heart, truly care about me. I believe I've finally learned the lesson though, won't repeat it.
No one is above me. There are those who know more than me. One key for me is to steer clear of anyone who comes across as an authority or expert. Those who truly are, with the right kind of heart, don't put themselves out as such. I have some great examples of that, including my Reiki Master, the guy who turned me on to Reiki, and a local psychic medium, Dr. Marjorie Rivera. (I might have spelled her last name wrong.) These people have humble, kind, gentle, loving, giving spirits. Their messages are that if they can do it, so can we. They don't put themselves on pedestals at all, or claim to be experts or know it all.
In relationships I also have good examples of each. And I realize now that I need to quit looking for a mother or father in any relationship & continue to supply it for myself, through myself, friends & family as a whole but no one individual, & God & Mother Mary. The best example of "not" is my ex husband. I had him on a pedestal from the time we got together, & gave over my power entirely. He was the father I never had. And while it finally gave me a father for awhile, it was never a healthy relationship. I gained from it but the relationship didn't. The best example of an unspoken & nebulous "not" is my first husband. He silently disapproved of me & I never did know why or how because it was all passive/aggressive & never spoken to this day. That put him on a nebulous pedestal above me, but one nonetheless. The best examples of healthy relationships are my closest female friends, Jenny & Pam. They are entirely equal relationships with a balance of power. Sometimes I've helped one of them, sometimes they've helped me. Never have we acted as authorities over the other even though at times I've given each of them or received from them constructive criticism, advice, lessons. Because these are my healthiest non-familial relationships to date, I was not a chameleon, or obsessively involved with them. I've gone through periods where I've talked on the phone with one or the other of them every single day, which has amounted to hours a week. I've been doing that with Pam since the demise of my most recent marriage. I did it with Jenny in the 1990s. At that time Jenny lived near me & was usually the only friend I did things with. It wasn't out of balance though, because I also spent the majority of my time away from her, & I was totally open to doing things with others & did. It wasn't at all obsessive - we just both were free to spend lots of time together. I don't get to do things with either of them now - they both live in other states. Jenny is my best example of how to be as close as 2 people can be without being related & without it being sexual, yet still be independent & healthy, balanced. I thought maybe "codependence" was the word for what I do & looked it up before writing this. Then I Googled "losing yourself in a relationship." In one of the 2 searches the word "interdependence" came up. A healthy relationship involves "interdependence." That's what Jenny & I had/have, what Pam & I have. We are each independent & strong, we each keep our own personal power but we've chosen to intermingle our strengths, selves, interests, spirits, lives, love. Now I just need to carry that forward into future relationships, learn how to do it in a male/female relationship when the time comes. Writing this will help cement it in my mind - use Jenny as the biggest example because ours was the closest to that kind of relationship because of physical proximity & therefore time spent together in person. It's reassuring to me that I have that same kind of healthy relationship with Pam. I realize that if we had proximity & therefore in person time together, the balance wouldn't change. So in essence, I do know how to do this. I just need to make sure I always apply it, especially in my next male/female relationship.
I find it interesting that you were writing earlier this week about Grandma wanting you to give up independence and be a chameleon with her and you would not (and you didn't have Grandpa around to do it with or not), but that you do it with mother/father figures instead.
ReplyDeleteAlso, about "those who truly are" authorities/experts versus those who claim authority/expertise, I think you might be interested in the concept of Servant Leadership. It's something that I teach about in those workshops for APO.
From the founder of the idea, Robert Greenleaf, in his book _Servant as Leader_:
"The Servant Leader is servant first...it begins with the natural feeling that ones wants to serve, to serve first. Then conscious choice brings one to aspire to lead. He or she is sharply different from the person who is leader first, perhaps because of the need to assuage an unusual power drive or to acquire material possessions. For such it will be a later choice to serve, after leadership is established...The difference manifests itself in the care taken by the servant-first to make sure that other people's highest priority needs are being served."
http://www.greenleaf.org/whatissl/
Wow! Some day I want to read or hear your teaching on servant leadership. I so get the concept & it goes along with the blog I'm writing for Friday, to post today.
ReplyDeleteAs an adult I refused to give up my independence & be a chameleon for my mother but the entire tendency was formed when I was a child & had to do it to survive. That's why I have such a tendency to do it now. So, I resisted doing it with my mother as an adult but it's still in me to do with with mother/father figures. She's the only one I absolutely learned to resist as an adult. With her, it was so blatant & over-the-top that it was easy to see & therefore resist. With others it's so much more subtle, & those subtleties will get you faster than anything else. That also goes into the attracting bees with honey rather than vinegar thing - the poisonous situations are masked by the sweetness that seems to be offered. Thanks for commenting here where others can read it, & being a regular reader!